Psychologies

On my last post, I talked about how to use rapport skills to your advantage, and how to build a state of rapport. I would like to give all my readers another helpful post. Like my last post, this how to is linked to unconscious body language that we exhibit when we lie. Sure you have heard that people break eye-contact when they lie but you shouldn’t except this information for a moment. If you think back to the last time you lied to someone, you were most likely looking right at them, trying not to look away, to give that feeling that you were being honest. I won’t be writing about any of those general misconceptions. (By the way, our eyes move all over the place to help us retrieve information. A person who unnaturally holds eye-contact is far more likely to be lying).

General Misconceptions

For use to learn how to spot a liar, we must learn that almost anything you have learned about spotting a liar is… well sorry to say it… but wrong.

1. I was with a group of friends one night showing off the fact that I could spot a liar, and decided to demonstrate. I asked one of my friends to volunteer and had them sit down next to me. I then told the group that I was going to ask her (my volunteer was a female) ten questions, and that she was only allowed to lie on one question of her choosing. I told her that I wanted her to try to not give away on which occasion she had lied. I proceeded to ask her questions about her day, and after all ten questions I asked my group of friends what she had done differently on the time she lied (still not knowing which time she lied). One of my friends suggested that she had not kept eye-contact when she lied. The rest of the group then agreed that this must be true, and could swear that they had seen her looking at me on every question except for one. I then explained to my friends that they were wrong. The reality was that she looked at me when she lied. The rest of the time she was looking around gathering her thoughts on how to ask the question. Yet, all my friends remembered the exact opposite, all because of their expectation.
2. The next misconception is ludicrously to simplistic. The claim that when someone looks up and to the right, and instead of the left when the person inventing a mental image rather then genuinely recalling one, is one of the most absurd things I have ever heard. There is no evidence behind this claim, likewise there is no way to properly test this theory either.

The Ways of Spotting Lies

There are only three ways to spot deceit: by looking at non-verbal language, verbal language, and by measuring small physiological responses such as increases in blood-pressure, heart-rate and sweating of the palms. This third option is left to the polygraph, which is often mistakenly called a lie detector. It isn’t: it merely measures these small changes, which could of course be produced by a nervous or frustrated suspect for any number of perfectly innocent reasons. The polygraph reading must therefore be combined with skills of the examiner in handling the interviewee and interpreting the reading before any conclusion can be reached as to whether the subject is lying. However, this necessarily subjective interpretation, and other procedural criticisms which are often aired, make the accuracy of a polygraph test a matter of great debate. Researchers have tested to see whether the polygraph is as effective as its defenders claim. In one undercover test, they had four polygraphers on four different days each test four employees of a company to see which of them had stolen a valuable camera. However, each polygrapher was told prior to the test that one employee was under particular suspicion (a different employee was used every time). The idea was to see whether or not this piece of information would sway the results of the polygraph test. In fact, no camera had been stolen and all the examined subjects were telling the truth in denying the theft. Yet each time, the polygrapher in question confidently identified the ‘suspected’ employee as the guilty party.

Now that I have gotten my raft out about the accuracy of the polygrapher, the techniques left for the rest of us to identify lies correspond to the first two methods: non-verbal and verbal language. In other words, our body language and the way we speak. We will have a look at both here. Within these two areas, it is worth being in mind that there are three processes which a person might experience when lying. Knowing these processes will help you look for signs of one or more of them leaking out into the person’s words or behavior. The three processes to bear in mind are as follows:

1. Emotional Processes.
2. Content Complexity Processes.
3. Controlling Processes.

Emotional Processes refers to the emotions which can leak out during deception. The most common emotions experienced by a liar are guilt, fear and excitement. I may feel guilty about lying; I might fear the consequences of my lie if, for example, the stakes are high; I might be excited about lying, especially if there are other people around who know the truth and might be amused by my bold lie. This last emotion is referred to as ‘duping delight’.

Content Complexity Processes com from the fact that lying can be cognitively quite an involved task: for example, it will often become more difficult to maintain a convincing lie if you are questioned more and more on the subject in question. Equally if we are taken by surprise, it is often quite difficult to lie. The result is that you have to think rapidly or just more than normal, and this fact might well leak out in your behavior.

Controlling Processes are those which we carry out to hide the signs which we think might give away our lie. In other words, we try and behave normally, and this will usually involve unnatural or incongruent behavior which can be spotted.

I feel that the key to reading body language is to understand that you are looking for key changes, not simple, specific ‘tells’ that mean a certain thing. So in order to be able to effectively read a person, or spot a lie, you must first establish what his ‘normal’ behavior is, in order to appreciate any deviance from it.

Lately I have found myself indulged in learning psychologies that can be very helpful to know in everyday life. For the past couple of months I have been testing my ability to use rapport to capture a sense of connection between myself and another individual.

Rapport is one of the most important features or characteristics of unconscious human interaction. It is commonality of perspective, being in “sync”, being on the same “wavelength” as the person with whom you are talking. -Wikipedia

For those of you who are still lost on the subject of rapport let me have you think back. Has there ever been a time that you have been up late one night talking to a friend, one of you moves from a chair or couch to the floor, and a short while after, the other does the same? We have all experienced (but have never told anyone) of knowing when another person is about to get up and leave, or say… look over at you in from the car next to you. These are some examples of the mind being in a state of unconscious ‘rapport’. You will mirror each other’s body language and so on without realizing it. Rapport by no means only connected to body position, people in a state of rapport will breathe at the same rate, adopt each other’s facial expressions, blink at the same rate, and use the same language.

The question that arises, “Is it really that simple? Simply mirror everything the other person does?” The answer is no, by mirroring exactly what the other person does will more less trigger an alarm for the other person, and have the opposite effect of rapport.

The Benefits

Now, for those of you out there thinking, “Well… gee… I could use this to pick up women!” Well…. yes… but no. Knowing how to create a state of rapport will help you to connect with an individual, but not necessarily have them fall for you. The benefits of rapport is exactly what you have already experienced in your times of rapport. The sense of connecting with an individual, and creating that feeling of connection. If you’re clever enough to find the balance that is needed you will find this very helpful tool for you.

Creating Rapport

Let’s imagine you are sat at a table and wish to have someone near you, or at an adjoining table, take an interest in you. The game is to mirror the person subtly, constantly and peripherally, so that she (we’ll use the feminine pronoun, but it need not be part of a seduction) finds herself feeling a connection with you and not knowing why. You are not talking to her or even looking at her; you can only watch her out of the corner of your eye. This allows you to be quite bold at times. If at a party, take a sip of your drink every time she drinks from her glass. Mirror her position as much as you can: lean back in your chair when she does, shift when she shifts. Sometimes an exact copy might be too obvious. So if, for example, you see her drumming her fingers, you might swing your hand instead in a natural gesture. Do whatever you can get away with. You might be involved in a conversation with a third party at the same time (this poor person really won’t feel much of a connection with you at all). Just let your body move and react in the same rhythm as her. See it as a dance.

After a while you can begin to test to see if the rapport is working. You take the lead now. So take a drink , and see if she copies you. It’s not magic, and by far not difficult; you are just sending out signals of sameness in a situation where people are grateful for that kind of thing. It can make you oddly attractive, but it is by no means some grotesque ‘instant seduction’ tool.

Summary

If you have preformed fluidly and pitched everything just right, you will find the other person in question comes over to make converstation with you later, and feels you’re ‘their sort of person’. This also teaches you to pay attention to the non-verbal language communication by another person, which is a worthwhile skill if you are then able to react sensitively to it.